you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
The power of my boobs compel you
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
