I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
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