Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
They are going to name an STD after you.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
