I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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