Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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