I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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