she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize