i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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