tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I supernannyed him into submission
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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