The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Randomize
