K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Duck Duck Cougar?
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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