last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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