I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
