just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize