wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
