I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
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