The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
