: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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