Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
