so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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