I wish my penis had an off switch
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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