and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
