Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
The beer is more important than you right now.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize