sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
