I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
