Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
