I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
