I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
