Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize