Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
