I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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