i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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