god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
