if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I love you. Go after that dick
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
