Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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