I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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