We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
