..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
