How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
