dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
