I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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