I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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