You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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