Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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