the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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