he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Do you remember whose house we're in?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
