why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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