so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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