You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
