I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
