ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
