the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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