A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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