Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
