I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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