Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
