we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
