wat bout pragnant strippers??
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
